it's not there anymore.

No more desperation.
No more isolating lonliness.
No more saddness.

I can make the best of things, and be content no matter what.

bye bye blog called rant.

things fell apart.

What am I supposed to say? supposed to feel?
I'm content, but its all falling apart. i'm watching it happen to my family, to my friendships.
why can i not have a susscessfull friendship? must everyone I care for be let down by me, then decide i'm not there friend?

"i feel like i should give up christianity, and follow Jesus.."

I'm content. yet-this is the farthest away from everyone I've ever been. I live by myself. [thats a secret] I live without sleeping for more then four hours a night.. uhhhh i should be sad and lonely.
i'm content.
is it Jesus? Is it camp? is it summer?

or have i finally figured this crazy game out...

things fell apart.

What am I supposed to say? supposed to feel?
I'm content, but its all falling apart. i'm watching it happen to my family, to my friendships.
why can i not have a susscessfull friendship? must everyone I care for be let down by me, then decide i'm not there friend?

"i feel like i should give up christianity, and follow Jesus.."

I'm content. yet-this is the farthest away from everyone I've ever been. I live by myself. [thats a secret] I live without sleeping for more then four hours a night.. uhhhh i should be sad and lonely.
i'm content.
is it Jesus? Is it camp? is it summer?

or have i finally figured this crazy game out...

I want some effort on your part...

&& would it kill you that much to love me? I want you to love me. there's no reason I can see for you not to at least like me? I try to do everything right for you. You pay no attention to me your busy trying to get in my best friend's pants. she doesn't want you there. i want you. i love you. can't you just love me? can't you just speak to me? can't you just say something, anything, anything at all....everyone complains, 'you never let anyone in' gee, i wonder why? has it ever occurred to anyone that everyone I allow in has hurt me. minus one. and i dont think he care's much. I know i'm being selfish. I know i should let it go. but i don't want to. i can't. i love you. couldn't we just speak to each other, why does it have to be awkward every moment of every day of every conversation.
I just want you to love me? I didn't know it was that much to ask of you.
maybe my expectations will always be too high....

ouch

It hurts, It hurts, It hurts all the time, every second of e v e r y d a y. I hurt a lot, too much, my heart feels like it is going to crumble. No, its already crumbled, nothing makes me feel good anymore, and my life has sprialed to a nice great life, and i'm still hurting, still hurting from the past, when will it end? when will i be okay again? It still hurts, right now, i'm hurting, i'm hurting, i'm hurting. make it stop? please? goodness, this is rediculous, how do things get so out of control? i want to be happy, what is stopping me from living life? its me i know, but what inside of me has stopped me from enjoying everything I have??? goodness, this hurts so much. a lot. a lot a lot a lot.

I'm hurting, my smiles are hurt smiles. my laughter is harmed laughter. but i've got peace in knowing that the one is gonna make it wonderful again....
I still hurt, even with peace...

It's not cool, and you know it.

I hate how, I have no idea what to say to people when they're upset. I always want people to say the right thing to me, but i never have any idea what to say to people when they're upset. so I dont know.
also- love..it sucks? like why cant you just fall out of love with someone when you want. why not?! its lame. you no longer want to love them and it hurts to love them, it hurts not to love them. its a bad situation, why cant you just train your heart not to hurt? goodness...oh well, i just wish it was that way, where you could just, snap your fingers and you don't love anyone you dont want to.
control, i guess in the end, i just want control over my emotions and i also want to know i'm doing/saying the right thing.
oh well.
live laugh love. guess i gotta move on.
-Lindsey